In the past couple of weeks, there have been several times when I’ve paused and thought “What the hell am I doing with my life?” Mostly, these happen at work. It’s not that I don’t like my job, I do – it’s just that the the weight and profundity of what I experienced this year suddenly become so real to me that I wonder why, after it all, I am still sitting at the same desk I sat in last year, staring at the same computer, hacking away at the same 9 to 5. Hanging out with the same friends. Having the same “normal” banter with my boyfriend. Watching the same TV shows. Eating the same food.
Welcome to “survivorship”, I guess. What is it that makes people want to do something profound after experiencing something profound? To me, I just feel kind of lazy and disappointed in myself. I was confronted with what could have been (and still could be) a fatal disease, and yet, when treatment, major surgeries and major life decisions were over, I went back to the same crap I did before I was confronted with my own mortality. There is so much I would like to change about my life and so many adventures I would like to have before I die – why not start now? Because, of course, these things don’t happen in a day and there are realistic limits in life – money, jobs, family, social obligations.
What I really wanted to do was post this article about cancer “rehab”, because it made me think about all the above issues I’m dealing with. I’d love to hear from other cancer survivors who went through this.