3 ACs Down

I’ve learned that it pretty much takes a full week for me to really recover from my infusion – and by “recover”, I mean feel like myself again. I think that’s what I hate most about the chemo drugs. I can tolerate nausea and other tangible side effects, but I absolutely hate feeling like I’m not myself. This third round felt a little worse than the first two. For the first two days I didn’t want to do anything, and then I felt really tired.

I’ve also been experiencing a lot of moodiness lately. I’ll be fine one moment, the next I’m angry at the pretty, full-haired girl walking down the sidewalk next to me, and the next I’m sobbing about my situation and my morbid thoughts about death and recurrence and metastatic disease. This rollercoaster sucks and I want off, but I have 5 infusions to go.

I know I’m supposed to be all gung-ho about fighting the cancer, but I am beat and just about ready to give up.

I have also been extremely anxious lately about my brother getting married. Tomorrow, I take a long plane ride out to San Diego for the festivities and I’m just so disappointed that I won’t be at my best for such a big event in my brother’s life. How unfair is this? I know he’ll be glad to have me there no matter what, but I just wish I didn’t have all this crap going on in my life so I could be there 100% inside a body I feel comfortable in with a full head of hair and all the most wonderful hope in the world for his future and my own. Dammit. Sometimes this is really hard.

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4 thoughts on “3 ACs Down

  1. Cara…….I am so sorry you have to go through this crap! Your emotional response is very on target and you have every right to feel pissed! Life sucks, sometimes. However, there are other moments when the sun is shining bright and hope is all aorund you. Actually, few people have one without the other. The crap makes you even more appreciative of the wonderful moments. You are not expected now to be able to sort that out or feel that. You will eventually. For now, just know that there are many people who love you and care about you and who are available to support you in whatever way you need support. Chuck and I are among those people. We send you lots of love and hugs!
    Marlene Klayman
    mhwjk@comcast.net

  2. Just remember that fighting cancer is not a Lifetime movie – it’s actually life. No matter what you’re thinking or feeling at any moment, or how exhausted you feel and how kickass you might NOT feel, you are feeling that way because you ARE fighting the cancer. The ups and downs of each day are battles, and you might feel like you’re losing the battle to keep a positive attitude, but you are still gonna win the war. Be proud of yourself for going through all this. You get to say or do whatever is best for you, and no matter what, we know it’s still you. No matter whether you have your own hair or you wear a wig to that wedding, that’s not what makes you your brother’s sister. He still wants YOU there, in any form. Well, maybe not any. Maybe not as Slimer from Ghostbusters, but you get my drift.

  3. This is going to sound more like the doctor and less like your father.
    PROZAC!As dupont said- better life through chemicals.

  4. Liz is ABSOLUTELY right…if you were Slimer from Ghostbusters, I would have definitely asked that you not attend the wedding, or at least that you not get too close to Julie’s dress.

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